Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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