I wish I could teleport
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He has the fingertips of a God
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