The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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