im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize