thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
