Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's official drugs can't kill me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
