Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
