By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
that's an acceptable place to lick
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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