my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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