I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
