Pants 0. Shit 1.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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