it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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