Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
