This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
