i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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