I am in a vortex of obligation.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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