I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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