You can't motorboat a personality
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
FUCK WHALES
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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