I just threw up on my dentist
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
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He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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