Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
