Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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