Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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