Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
