I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
