He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
