nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
