The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
