I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You pole danced in your parka.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
