I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
