Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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