I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
