Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
