you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
