The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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