we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
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I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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