Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(607): View more from New York

I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.

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(614): View more from Ohio

her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs

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