you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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