i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
