We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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