Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
