the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
