how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
