btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
