in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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