my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
