Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
