dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
