walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So vagazzling was a success
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
