Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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