i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
