Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
