i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
