Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
