I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
