I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
