Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
