a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
