She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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