omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
