I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
